I wish I could teleport
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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