I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize