you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
