we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
