I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
