I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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