I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
