i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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