Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
