I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
