They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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