my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
