Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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