I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
