The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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