Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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