god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
