is your mom at the bar?
one might say we're banned from that church
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
