you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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