I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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