I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
