Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
