I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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