Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
3 2 1 whiskey
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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