I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
