I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
