May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
