It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
