no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
