if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
