Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
