Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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