Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
