Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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