you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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