theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
