I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
