He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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