I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
