So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You dont lie about slip and slides
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
