I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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