He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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