i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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