you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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