i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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