I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
