Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
