Duck Duck Cougar?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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