I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
