she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
