I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
