Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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