guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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