FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
