the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
