Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
